a few lifetimes ago, in the middle of a meal, in the middle of a breakup, I started crying while eating a thai lettuce wrap at a cheesecake factory. I kept eating. it was such a strange sensation, chewing and swallowing while tears and snot were sliding down my face. I just kept crying and crunch crunch crunching on those lettuce wraps.
I have been crying a lot lately at various times throughout the day. crying while singing and walking down a crowded street. crying while washing the dishes after a dinner party that was full of wine and laughter. crying while watching a man get up from his seat on the subway so an older woman could take his place. it's such an interesting time, the lubrication of so much feeling. I slip in and out of different states so subtlety that it's hard sometimes to keep up with what exactly it is I'm feeling from moment to moment. the joy is shimmery and effervescent. the sorrow is heavy and has sharp corners. I am moving through it. I am acknowledging all of it. I am no longer surprised by it, that you can hold such complexities in your heart. that you can delight at a new freedom while deeply longing for the familiar things you're now free from. that you can feel you're floating away into a terrifying uncertainty, yet feel safer inside yourself than you've felt in years. both things are true. the love of day and the loss of night. the beauty of how each supports the other. the truth of the need for both.
there is something I have been wanting to say, to so many of you. to all the people who sent me messages, or made comments. to all the people who called, or invited me to dinner. to all the people who took the time to make me feel loved. so many of you said such beautiful things to me. you affected me, you moved me. so many of you managed to make me feel supported, cared for, seen, and ultimately not alone. it is not lost on me. I feel held by all of you, and I feel I am holding you too. I see how we all go through it, and how much we need to share it. so thank you, thank you, thank you, for taking it in and giving it back. thank you for being brave enough to meet me in the middle, for being strong enough to express your appreciation. thank you for the generous spirit that imbued the words you chose to say.
both things are true, I am broken hearted, and more full of love than ever. I feel lonely and more connected than ever. I feel lost and afraid and more sure that I am closer now than ever before to the life I have dreamt for myself. you are a part of that life. you who longs for and listens to and answers back to what is true. thank you. I love you. (and now I'm crying while typing)