photo by Jillian Kliewer
Forget that it ended, are you glad that it began? Can you remember all the reasons you fell in the first place? Can you remember the way hands felt like starlight and your whole body tingled just to be touched? Can you remember how words bypassed your brain and went straight for your heart, as though you were learning language for the first time? Do you remember how you could stay up all night simply looking into the eyes of someone else, while feeling at that moment you had never been seen so clearly, so purely, so truly you?
But then, slowly, slowly, words are just words heard so many times, and ever so gently the tingles fade into rushed kisses. And you can't stand the way they leave their dirty laundry lying around. And you nearly lose your mind when they don't answer the phone. And as subtle as a whisper heard but not meant for you, the hope begins to fade and decay, and you grow weary from the puttering stop-start of running on the fumes of what was. Eventually you have to face the truth of what it has become.
I finally did. I finally did what had kept me up at night wondering if I should.
And now he's gone. And now I am painting a picture of what he looks like in his absence. He is still beautiful. He is still selfish. He is still the most generous partner I have shared a bed with. Many things can be true all at once, even if they seem to cancel each other out. They don't cancel each other out, they all crowd together in my heart taking up equal space. My heart is so full of you.
I was lonely in the relationship. So very lonely. Who cares whose fault it was, it was. We spent a lot of energy arguing about it. He was too distracted. I was too needy. He didn't know how to relax. I spent too much time in bed. On and on. Tomato tomaaaahto. Who cares how you say it, if it's still the same juicy red fruit? What matters is that we were attracted to each other because of those differences. The differences are what drew us in. We chose these differences because they moved us, they stretched us, they grew us. So why not love them now, even if they are what pushed us apart?
The differences, they are why I am here, heartbroken. They are why I was lucky enough to love so fully, and they are why I can no longer stay. So can I give my whole heart to holding those differences? To honoring them for their beauties and complexities and contradictions. Can I feel that I no longer want this relationship while embracing that I'm so glad I held it while I did? Can I not turn hurt into hardness? Can I stay soft, open, and grateful? Can I fall asleep lonely and afraid with a slight smile on my face knowing that we did the best we could? That we tried really really hard, that we both wanted it to work, but both accept that it didn't.
It's so easy to villainize the other. So tempting to push through the pain with the belief that they were wrong, that you were wronged. That they are a monster, an asshole, a selfish prick. But guess what, my dear? You weren't a perfect angel yourself and we only resent in others what we hide in ourselves. And you know what else, you were also perfectly right. You were correct. You were you. They were them. You are only responsible for being yourself. Let them have that same freedom. Say thank you as you forgive. The same spirit that drew you in, is the spirit that you couldn't contain. We think we're suppose to contain the other, but we're just supposed to get on our knees and praise a spirit light enough to hold our attention. Let that spirit float as it wishes. Love it for its shine. But don't stare at it until it's all you see. A black ghost on a white wall after looking too long at the light.
Hold it while you can and love it as you let it go.